Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
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3:12 pm
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The logging in abck and forth is driving me completely nuts, so I won't post in this journal anymore. I'll be using my ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) swanfeathers account instead. Everyone has been added to my friends list there. I'm sorry for the confusion. <3
current mood:  apathetic
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 23rd, 2002
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9:59 pm
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12:38 pm - sleepy but happy
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Ne, going out with Sana and Tea is cancelled cause Jess is still sick. I had a dream about Allrae again, the servant girl.
She had an affair with her god. Wow, Kat dreams strange things. Dreams about Allrae bug me because they always seem to continue where they left off. Allrae disturbs me, but I feel sorry for her. From what I get, she was a servant in an ancient land and in love with the master of the house, who loved his wife dearly. Her only friend seemed to be the master's assistant/student/something. She was hopelessly in love and left to go pray to a god for help (she was reluctant to do it because her master served a certain god and if he foudn out, she thought he might be mad). What I get from it, she wished she didn't love him but as she so elegantly put it "I was made to love him."
And that's when it got weird. She joined the temple of this other god and this god was very fond of her. She became the high priestess and had a very intimate relationship with her god. I wouldn't quite say that her god was "in love" with her, I'm not sure if that's possible. It was all very confusing.
Yes. That's enough rambling from me. I should probably go do my stretches. I'm in a bouncy mood but I have no where to go. I need to do something with this energy.
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, December 21st, 2002
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1:35 pm
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People who are weird are almost always either brilliant or insane, and in the end, there isn't much difference between the two.
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(comment on this)
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1:25 pm
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Today is a fun Livejournal day. I don't post much in any of my online journals because people keep telling us we're crazy and it makes me sad.
Well FINE. But if we're crazy, I'm having a HELL of alot more fun talking to myself than all the normies (normal people).
I need to get more sleep. Then there would be less ranting or more ranting in the journals. I only write because I want other people too.
I named the princess Satine. She's evil. We need to stop naming our characters when we're not writing because all the stories get mixed up in my head. It hurts to keep track of them.
"I'm always dreaming. Even when I'm awake. It's never finished."
current mood:  amused
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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12:12 pm
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11:17 am
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Insanity is just perverted genius anyways so it doesn't fucking matter.
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(comment on this)
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Friday, December 20th, 2002
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11:56 pm - midnight ramblings
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I'm watching "The Last Unicorn" again. I adore this movie so much. The music and everything. Even the book is wonderful. My headache is much better now, though I'm a bit cold and too warm. And hungry and feeling like I'm going to throw up, but I'm making food anyways because people get very upset with us when we don't eat.
I'm feeling better, just tired I guess. Reminder to self: I have to do the laundry tomorrow. Do not forget.
I'm feeling a bit...light headed. I actually pulled out my sketchbook today and started working. Didn't get much done. I found an older picture of Eva I drew that I started writing up some text for. She's crying behind her mask *sighs* She depresses me. I don't remember when it was drawn. Probably during the summer. Damn I was so fucked up this summer. I think Eva is the darker one.
I'm looking at the picture now. She pretends not to care you know....But she's crying and screaming. No one can hear because it's all in her head. It's all always been in her head. That's why the chapel confuses us. It's a physical place and once they walked in, you can feel the chance in the air. One became awed. This place which she was brought to, heard about. The other wistful and nostalgic. I We are confused. Imagine, having an actual physical place? Isn't that restricting?
A smaller, yet louder voice, wonders and envies this place. And then we shake our head and they all shut up and we watch as one of the other two wander about.
But I'm not particularily surprised. We're obsessive compulsive when it comes to control. I guess that's why we were snippy with Sandra when we first got there yesterday.
I was talking to Jess when we were heading home and I kept slipping into "we". I'm trying not to but it happens. We confused Brit yesterday when we did it too. I'm not sure what's to be done about that.
My mother wants me to go to a counsellor *blink blink* She says she thinks I'm self destructive because I keep breaking curfew....Uhh.....my curfew is 6 pm. Even on weekends too. I break it on a daily basis. And I'm going to keep on breaking it.
I should probably go to bed soon but I like being up during the night. So much more during the night *Sighs* Unfortunately, must needs do laundry tomorrow, and clean bathroom. Then there's grocery shopping, and by the end of that I'll be stressed and will need to do some sort of relaxing thing. But I don't want to sleep yet.
This apartment makes me so tired. I think 65% of our stuff is still in boxes even though we've been here since July. Not that it matters all that much since we're moving in July again. People wonder why I don't like going home, what possible inclination could I have to? Even my room is dominated by my mother, filled with stuffed animals that I hate with a fiery passion. I once took them down, which spawned a 2 hours screaming match so they stay where they are now, evne if I hate them. There's just so amny of them cluttering every space and I feel clausterphobic urges rising and I want to scream.
Not that that is saying much. Lots of things make me want to scream. Stuffed animals, too much christmas "cheer", mirrors *rambles*
I have officially been awake for 19 hours. Things seem either really really good or really really bad at this point.
My broken Eva statue is depressing me from the drawer. It's sitting there broken and unhappy and I can't bear to throw it out.
On the edge of infinity (waiting in the mist)
where angels lose their way (angelus errare)
So tired.
But.
Can't eat.
Can't sleep.
Just flying away.
On artificial wings.
we built ourself.
made of velvet and lace.
and even if they're not real.
it's okay.
cause we're flying.
all the same.
current mood: apathetic
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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8:08 am
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I would just like to point out that everyone should ignore my previous entry. Just me venting.
Plus, I forgot to apologize to Blue and Ani for wandering off with JEss and taking so long. That was really rude ^^;; sory! <3
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, December 16th, 2002
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9:46 pm - Cirque du Soleil
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I love Cirque du Soleil. Is anyone else in the city watching Alegria?
*sighs* You feel an incredible amount of peace watching them. to know that art and elegance and beauty live in this world. Their movements are art embodied and the music touches your soul....I'd like to reach out and touch them, just to know, in any small part, their magic.
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(comment on this)
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9:19 pm
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5:39 pm
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...
I woke up at 5 am, I had a fight with my mom. I was going to tell Jess about it but she didn't come to school so I didn't. On my way home, I was feeling really dizzy and I just....snapped. I ran to the nearest house and banged on the door. This lady opens it and blinks and I'm like "Even if you cut the vines they'll still consume the house." She blinked again and I backed away and just burst out crying and fell down on the ground and she ran and grabbed me and I screamed and then.......I was fine and she looked scared and I said "No, I'm fine thank you. Can I please have a glass of water?" And she took me inside and got me one and then I walked home. So I'm just kinda...sitting here now. I had something to eat and drank, and then did a short meditation just now....
*sighs* What the hell is wrong with me?
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(comment on this)
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Friday, December 6th, 2002
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6:27 pm
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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
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8:55 pm - Against all instincts....
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*stretches* So Taliana graded my first assignment in the teaching circle...A+. Yay, go me.
I have to research for the mini esaay about the creator of Wicca though *small frown* I'm procrastinating. With my dreams lately...I'm not sure if I'm up to the studying. But, I can't wait too long. I can't move onto the next lesson until I finish *sighs*
Despite the fact tht I'm lazy, I do enjoy learning from Taliana, even if it's rudimentary (right context?). I suppose I like to see lots of different points of view. And she definately has a different point of view.
I have such a horrible headache. But talking with Jess helped, alot. Mostly because I don't feel so uncomfortable talking about my dreams with her. I'm not sure how I am at accepting everything she says, especially about Eva and I, but I know that I can talk to her about things I probably wouldn't talk face to face with anyone else.
I'm glad Ani wasn't home when she phoned though. I would have felt very embarressed. Not that I don't want her talking to Ani about it...It's just hard to explain..She can talk to her about it when I'm not there.
I guess the possibility she would have wanted me to hand over the phone and explain was what bothered me the most. I already feel like a nutcase talking to her about it. I don't want to draw attention to myself...
I need something to relax myself. Maybe I should go back to doing my stretches then some simple meditations in the morning or evening, to help relax me. My writing is only making me more agitated.
current mood:  tired
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, November 24th, 2002
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12:43 am
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12:37 am
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Saturday, November 16th, 2002
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11:38 pm
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I've got a headache *sighs* I had another fight with my mom a little while ago. She's still saying she hopes she wakes up from a bad dream and that I'm not really a lesbian. I don't see it happening but nothing I say seems to matter in that respect so...
Sandra and I wanted to hang out next Saturday, the first free day after my grounding was supposed to be over (I'm grounded for a week because I went to Jess' on Thursday and apparently, my curfew is 6:00pm during the winter...something I did NOT know. I hponed her from Jess' and left the number and address. She was on the internet so I had to leave a message and she phones at 7:45 demanding where I am and yells at me for being out late...o_O) and when I asked her, she said "Aren't you grounded?"
Me: You said I was grounded until Friday.
Mother: Well make it Saturday then.
That's a bit...annoying...
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
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5:40 pm
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Eve
Mother of Humanity
we thank you
for the bite of the fruit
through your "sin"
we are given the gift of life
we had to be banished
to see
Eden was naught
but a gilded cage
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(comment on this)
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5:23 pm
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Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
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6:25 pm
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